A Hard Life to Live-Chapter 1

Brothers

Chapter 1 Brothers

“HARU! COME ON! YOU’RE MISSING IT!”

“Alright! I’m coming, take it easy!” I said as I tried to grab all the snacks and blankets I could carry to the living area. I saw my littlest brother, Lucus, bouncing on the sofa’s cushions. His long blondish hair covers his blue eyes every time he sits still, waiting for me to be with him. I sat down next to him, putting the covers over him and rewinding the show to the very beginning. As the colorful intro plays he starts plucking the snacks savagely and eats like it was his last day to live. 

“I’m sorry that I kept you waiting Lucus, I was-”

“Yea Yea, I know, work and school stuff, it’s totally fine! I’m just glad you kept your promise!”

“Of course, I always keep my promises.” 

We started to watch the show that he picked out. Lucus always chooses what we would watch together. I really don’t mind it though, since he always falls asleep at the beginning of the fifth episode or five minutes of the movie. But I love spending time with him. I haven’t spent enough time with my brothers since school, work, and other things I have to do around the house. So, I try to spend as much time with my brothers as I can. I wonder why he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me though. Not my youngest or my other brother. But he always tries to keep his life a secret. I wonder why?  Was it something I said or did? Am I away too much to the point that he can’t trust me? Am I really that distant?  I always try to do my very best with him. I try my hardest to connect with him, to be with him.

 Why can’t I just be part of his life! 

“Haru? Are you okay? We can watch this another time if you want…” I whipped my head quickly to see that my brother was gripping on my arm tightly and looking at me with a worried look. I took a deep breath and looked at him with a light hearted smile so he doesn’t have to look out for me. 

“Oh, Sorry! I was just overthinking again. That’s all!” 

“Did you remember to take your medicine?” He said with a look that defeated me while his legs were bouncing on the couch, carelessly.

I always get so shocked when he says that. That line alone makes my skin crawl, making me want to look away from his pure-looking face, making me disgusted with myself. An eight year old is asking me if I took my medicine tonight. Why am I like this?

“Lucus, you don’t need to worry, I’m fine!” I said while patting his head, comforting him that he has nothing to fear. He then smiled and continued to watch the show about ninja fighting aliens, or was it the aliens fighting the ninjas? Either way I started to hear light little snores right next to me, and to my surprise, it was Lucus sleeping on my arm. I smiled and slowly got up so I wouldn’t wake him up. I shut the tv off, and wrapped him in his favorite blanket and carefully picked him up and carried him off to bed. 

As I walked along the dreadfully quiet halls, I noticed all the pictures we all took together. Reminiscing about the good times we shared together, all the moments we shared, all the fun times that we had with one another. Where did all of that go? I always asked myself that single question, every single day. I wonder what we did to deserve this kind of lifestyle. The fighting, the arguing, the survival for life itself. I got out of my train of thoughts as I heard Lucus fixing his posture to try to get more comfortable in my arms. I shook my head, knowing it’s not the time to let my mind wonder.  

I bought Lucus in his blue room with colorful stickers along the walls. He had a twin size bed with a blanket of his favorite characters on that show that we were watching. I gently put him down and tucked him in, and as soon as I did, he grabbed his run-down teddy bear and hugged it tightly. I smiled, patting his head.

“Goodnight Lucus, You got a big day ahead of you.” I quietly walked out of his room, shutting the light and closing his door, but not all the way since he is still at that age where he’s scared of the dark. 

I sighed as I looked at the clock as it was 10:30pm. Man, I was up that long? Strange how time flies. I shook my head and headed towards the kitchen to clean up a bit. I started to do the dishes, washing them by hand since our dishwasher is already doing most of the labor. As I was washing the dishes, something felt off. I felt my heart speeding up, my throat closing up. I can’t breathe, why can’t I breathe. My heart is pounding out of my chest over and over again. A voice louder than a drum, pounding in my head, repeating the same dreadful quotes, over and over again. 

“It’s your fault.”

“You could’ve done something more!”

“Your brothers aren’t happy.”

“You can do so much better.”

“You’re useless!”

“Helpless!”

“You know why you live such a crappy life!”

I can’t take it anymore! I cover my ears and kneel down on the hard, cold floor, hoping the voice will stop. The voices sounded so loud that I had to close my eyes. My own breathing was choking me. My head and heart are pounding at different times, giving me no rest. I need something, and I need it now!  I looked up to find anything that can stop, NO, shut up this voice. 

I found my salvation during this war. grabbing the orange container with the white top that had what I needed inside. I swallowed hard, and chugged down the water bottle that was closest to me. To make me forget the pain I was in. I opened my eyes slowly and saw nothing. I uncover my ears to hear nothing. I sighed in relief, hearing my own heartbeat beating properly, my gasps for air slowing down, my head feeling as light as a feather. I got up slowly and grabbed onto the chair quickly since my legs felt like jello. I gave myself a 10 minute rest until I was able to walk again. I took a couple of baby steps until I was ready to function normally. I looked back at the dishes in the sink and continued to do the dishes like nothing had happened. 

Click

I heard the door opening and being closed slowly and trying to be quiet. I kept my head hung low and kept on washing the dishes. 

“You’re up late, Dean. Usually you’ll be in bed by 9.” I said as I tossed my head around to see him. He stopped in his tracks and rubbed the back of his head nervously.

 “Yea, I know. I’m sorry, I had to work on my group  science project with my friends and then they had a new gaming counsel and I-” He exclaimed as he happily talked about the console that his friend has, I smiled. Dean is a very smart kid and gets very high scores in his courses, but he would overwork himself to the point  that he would get sick. He also makes no time for breaks, such as playing video games, watching TV, or hanging out with friends, Doing stuff that normal teenagers are supposed to do. 

“Hey! Don’t worry about it! I’m just glad you’re going out again and having fun.” He sighed as looked around the kitchen to find something to eat. I’m guessing he skipped lunch, which I’m not fond of. 

“Where’s Lucus? Is he still watching that weird show?” He questioned as he took an apple out of the fruit basket.

“No, he’s asleep, and don’t be mean. He’s only 8.”

“I know, but still, he should be more focused on his studies than his cartoon shows.” He said as he leaned on the counter looking at me, wanting to know my response to what he just said. 

“He has been studying, he’s been studying all day. Look! He got a 78 on his test today! Isn’t that great!” I said as I brought out his test paper and showed Dean, waiting to see his reaction. Dean looked at me with a ‘are you kidding me’ look. 

He sighed and rubbed his eyes, putting his hand through his brown hair. He stares at me with a cold gaze.  

“Haru, That’s not enough! He needs to be smarter, better! If he doesn’t then he can’t support himself or take care of himself, And if he doesn’t take care of himself, then it’s-” He panted as he gripped his hair, looking like he’s gonna pull it out of his head. I see him on the verge of tears, not trying to let it all come out at once.

 I pulled him in quickly for a warm and comforted hug, letting all his worries ooze out of him. I knew this since tears started to spill from his eyes, as he started to fall from his knees. I come down with him, rocking him back and forth.

“Hey, It’s okay, It’s my job to make sure everyone is okay and everything else. I appreciate the help though Dean, I really do. But, you shouldn’t bear that weight onto your shoulders Dean. You’re only 15, You should be having fun with your friends, or doing what you love doing.” I said, patting him on the back, as I felt his tears staining my shirt.

This was normal for me, a routine for me. Everyday, it’s something about the way we live, school work, mental health, etc. This was a routine that we all learned when we started to live together, under one roof. It was their job to share and my job to be there for them. That’s what brothers are for, aren’t they? They are supposed to be there for you, be there at your lowest so they can bring you back up again. I’m used to this role that I play. I am okay with that. 

I hear Dean breathing started to go steady, his tears started to be wiped away from his sleeves. I let go of him and helped him wipe his tears.

“Thank you, Haru. Again.” He chuckled as he stood up onto his feet wiping the last remaining tears on his face. I stood up and smiled at him brightly. 

“That’s what brothers are for.” He smiled, but soon was interrupted with a loud yawn. I knew it was late, so I helped him to walk to his bedroom that was right next to Lucus. His room was a tan-ish color along the walls, with science experiments tools, and rocks and minerals along his room as well. I brought him to his purple bed and sat him down. Before he got into the covers and went to lay his head, he saw that I was thinking about something.

“Hey? Is everything okay?”

“Do you know where Max is? He still hasn’t come home.” I said with a hint of eeriness in my voice.

My third brother is named Max and he’s the one I have the most problems with if I’m being completely honest. He’s either so quiet or so angry that you can’t talk to him. He always tells me that ‘I’m fine’ or ‘stop being up my ass’. It worries me that he can’t talk to me, his eldest brother. It sometimes makes me go crazy thinking about it, making my head spin. And when we do get to talk, it always ends with an argument, making Max leave and shut his door loudly so that nobody disturbs him. He just gets on my nerves sometimes. But I guess that’s what brothers are for as well. 

“I think he went out with his friends again, You know him. He’s always out with his friends and always gets home late. I don’t think you should worry that much Haru. Just try and actually get some sleep. Please?” Dean said as he finally lay down his head on his version of the best pillow in the world. I only nodded at him and got up and shut his door. I looked at the clock and now it’s 11:05. Maybe I should call him? NO! No, Dean is right. He’s okay! I know he is. He’s a great fighter and very smart. He knows not to do bad things out there. I trust him. I’ll just wait for him for a few more minutes. 

2:00 am

I started to pace back and forth, making the floor creak every time. As I pace, I’m biting my fingernails, feeling like something terrible has happened to him. My mind is going to the darkest place imaginable for him. I see him lying across the streets, begging for help, reaching his hand out to someone, anyone to that point, until blood flooded the curb. Another image appears that my brother is getting drugged and is taken to someone’s white van, driving to who knows where. An image of the killer coming into the house with Max in his hands dead by his feets, now loving that there are more people to engage with his bloodlust.   

I finally managed to get my thoughts together after I heard the keyhole making a noise. The door swung wide open, and to my vision. I saw a wobbling, stumbling, Max coming into the house. His black hair covers his sweaty skin, his breath is uneasy, his clothes either falling off, or ripped up. I ran to him, putting his arm over my shoulder. He tried to pull away, but my grip was stronger. I laid him on the couch, running back to the kitchen to get him a bottle of water. He took it out of my hands aggressively, chugging it down like he was in the desert for days. I also noticed that his hands and neck were covered with bruises. Was he in a fight? Did he fight someone?! Who was it? And most importantly, Why? 

“Hey! Haru? Are you there?” Max said, snapping his fingers to get my attention. I stopped my thoughts from getting too much as I looked at him. He gave me an eye roll as he continued.  

“Would you be a good older brother, and get me the med kit in the bathroom. Like a good older brother that you are.” He said with a hint of sarcasm with a sly smirk across his face, resting his head along the armrest of the couch. 

I rolled my eyes and went to the bathroom to get the supplies that he needs. I try to be as quiet as possible since I didn’t want to wake up my younger brothers. I came back with the supplies, but when he was about to grab them I quickly pulled away. 

“What now?” 

“I’ll give you the supplies, if you tell me what happened.” I said with a stern look. He locked eyes with me and he gave me a chuckle. 

“Are you kidding me? I’m covered in bruises, and now you’re not going to help me if I don’t tell you anything?! He said with a look that made my blood boil. It was dead silence, no one was going to lose this war that we were having. 

“I’ll say it again, What! Happened!” I said as my patients were getting low. He started to see this and sighed. He looked back at me and looked back at his knuckles that were covered in blood and bruises. 

“Look, I was hanging out with my friends, and we were tossing and turning with each other, Okay? What’s wrong? Never fought with anyone before. Now, if you would be so kind, and give me the med kit, Please.” He said holding his hand out for the med kit. I reluctantly gave him the med kit, but I sat by his side, watching him patch himself.

“You know the answer to that question, but seriously they bashed you up like this? If this is what friends are like nowadays, I don’t know if I’m okay with you hanging out with them.” I said with a concerned look, now worrying.

“No! I mean, look, it’s just a bunch of guys being guys. We just play fightin’, y’know?”

“I understand, but you can’t keep coming home at such terrible times. You make me worry sick!” I said, placing a hand on his shoulder. He quickly pushed my hand away from his shoulder. 

“Look, I’m fine! I can take care of myself!” He yelled.

“Take care of yourself? What are you talking about?! You come home covered in blood and bruises!” challenging his nonsense.

“So what! Everyone gets a little rough, it’s normal!”

“Max, Last time, You came home at 3am, covered in bruises that were all over your neck, looking like someone was choking you!”

Seeing him lose his temper by the minute, I already knew this was going to be a long night. 

Two hours have passed and we are still arguing. His voice is a full blown yell, while mine is a meek yell, not wanting to wake my brothers up. He started to get more aggressive with every word that came out of his mouth.  

“Haru, I’m telling you, drop it or else!” He said, holding his fist up. My eyes widened. Was he really going to hit me?

“Max, I don’t want to fight you, but I have to know what’s going on.” I said as I calmly walked up to him, that was my own mistake. He grabbed my hand and pushed me onto the couch. 

“DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH ME! I DON’T NEED YOUR EMPATHY. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, I DON’T NEED ANYONE ELSE!” He yelled as he punched me in the stomach. I clutched my stomach in pain, feeling numbness to my fingers. He started to walk towards me until I kicked him in desperation, making him slam onto the wall, making little cracks. Both panting, looking at each other until. 

“Haru? Max? What’s going on?” I know that voice anywhere. I look to see Lucus with tears in his eyes, holding his stuffed animal and blanket that was laying across the floor. I started to forget the pain and now feel regretful. I let my own younger brother see what had happened. I quickly ran up to him and pulled him in a hug.

“It’s alright! We were just arguing. That’s all!” I said putting on a fake smile across my face. To my surprise he got out of the hug and stood in front of Max, anger hunting his eyes. 

“You hurt Haru. Why did you attack Haru!” He said to Max as he stood his grounds. It looked like a tiny rabbit standing up to an evil wolf. Max looked at Lucas for a good 5 minutes and he started to come to the realization of what he just did. He shook his head and grabbed the medic kit, stomping to his room and nudging me on the way out. I sighed in relief as that whole argument was now finally over. I put my hand in my hair and breathed out loudly that made Lucas look back at me. I walked up to Lucas and kneeled down to him to match his height with him. 

“Are you okay?” I said putting my hand on his cheek wiping his tears away. 

“I’m fine, but what about you? Max hit you!” He said while putting his tiny hands on my face. I smiled, letting all the anger come out of me. 

“I’m fine, you really did save me, Lucas. Now let’s get you back to bed.”

“But I’m awake now. I don’t wanna go to bed. I wanna stay up!” He said, forgetting what just happened, kind of crazy how he can just do that. A few minutes ago he was upset, crying, and worried. Now he is a ball of energy, ready to do anything, not caring who he was going to wake up. I picked him up and explained to him why he should go since he has school in the morning. Of course, him being 8, he pouted but he understood. I put him onto my shoulders and ‘fly’ him around the house. His laughter flooded the room, his eyes closed so the harsh wind didn’t hit his eye. This is what is supposed to happen in a family. No shouting, no fighting, no lying. This. This is why I’m here.

I set him on his bed again, tucking him in with his warm cloud-like blanket over him. I grabbed his stuffed animal and handed him to him. He imminently grabbed him and pulled him in for a tight hug. I patted his head and was about to go to my room, finally ready to go to sleep for the long day I have tomorrow. I felt someone grab on my sleeve and it was none other than Lucus. 

“He isn’t going to hurt you anymore, Right?” He said, still holding his stuffed animal, still scared of what had just happened. I look at him with sincere eyes, knowing he might not like the answer. I smiled back at him, rubbing his head, messing up his hair.

“It’s okay, I can take care of myself.”

Thanks for reading! Please check out the information below and have a great day! Feel free to reach out to us at dalenewsfsc@gmail.com